Random tips for the insane; epileptic account
Before I walk tiptoe on to my usual route, I must take this opportunity to first apologize to all the loyal readers, fans and admirers (eesh…admirers), for this about to discuss out of character article.
But, the intent of this article, my friends, is nonetheless noble and lofty, despite arbitrary in approach.
I know everybody out there – doing nothing worthy other than just sitting and playing sudoku– expects only the highest level of journalism, with deep intellectual reflections and unbiased reportage that exposes deepest darkest secrets this world has to hide from you.
However, dear friends, far, far way from such filthy serious issues, there are certain follies like improper usage of vibrating apparatus such as cell phones, vacuum cleaner, power-driven dolls/infant toys etc., which actually needs proper attention, so that it could be discussed and resolved forthwith. Ok. Don’t get me wrong with the above statement.
The about-to discuss article is, in fact, a recycled concept of a capitalist – John Wesley Hanes (undergarment tycoon).
Initially applying his concept might be difficult and could cause nose inflammation, but if you try real hard not to try, you could ultimately break free of those bondages and bandages and be on the road to a more enlightened, carefree, joyous life of not giving a crap.
For instance, there are still many (many) guys, in many parts of this world, who do not know how to score with girls. They don’t even know how to dismantle basic bombs.
Well, I am not attempting to impersonate agony aunt here, but, as a journo, I am trying to lend a hand to those guys who score less than zero, when it comes to girls.
First thing first: Offering to buy a woman a drink (it doesn’t necessarily have to be alcohol content drink), in a posh restaurant, is a good first step towards scoring.
If she says she’s not thirsty or simply doesn’t drink, try offering her your snot smeared handkerchief.
Second hand: Most women want to be persuaded. So, in the process, if they run away, by all means go after them. Regardless of what they might scream at you, discriminate you, humiliate you or throw things at you – to obstruct your chase. Rest assured you are scoring big points by fulfilling her deep-seated subconscious desire (of being persuaded).
Third party insurance: Always have a few conversation starters in mind to keep the dialogue afresh. For example, you can ask whether any of her close relatives are dead, or whether she ever underwent plastic surgery involving silicone. Talk of favourites and act as if you are Vivek Oberoi or Atma Ram, women love them.
Fourth estate: Before you make your move, break into woman’s house and discover all about her. That way, you can make a really great impression when you tell her you’re also into quixotic poetry, soft rock, soft corn, all soft collections, face-pack/anti-aging creams, Twilight series, oatmeal, embroidery, waxing etc.
Fifth element: It never hurts to broaden the truth a little to help your chances at scoring. For example, if she likes cricket, detect who her favorite player is and tell her that you are that guy. Lying has saved faces since 1st B.C.
Sixth sense: Use worthless metaphors and similes like “sitting tight upon a stinking head”, “holding nose from corpses”, “You are the sun in my dark sky”, “You are my East and my West, you are my compass”, “Laughter is a natural drug, I want to fix laughter” in conversation.
Women like to laugh even if it’s irrelevant.
Ok. Enough scoring.
Now let’s look into steaming issue i.e. how to fight and stop global warming.
A look back: Global warming started when people used their hearth too much. This caused substantial amounts of hot air into the atmosphere. Global warming is upon us, and if we wish to bring the warming rate down then we must do our part. Shall we?
Ways to crack global warning.
Throw huge amount of ice cubes and chilled beer into the air in order that there would be maximum surface area exposure between frost and air.
Have your car's air conditioner on full blast all the time, and keep glasses down so that cool air would flee into the atmosphere just like criminal breaking the jail.
Try to breathe as low as possible. This diminishes the amount of warm air sent into the atmosphere.
Having ice cream would contribute to fighting global warming. It makes your breath colder. Try to breathe a lot.
Freeze stuff. Lots of stuff. And keep it outdoor.
Go to Antarctica and bring some fresh air back. All you need for this is trunk and a VIP suitcase.
Stop lighting things on fire, such as cigarettes, candles, wood, coal, people, and cars.
According to a veterinary surgeon, mammals generate body heat. So slaughter all mammals.
Preserve hailstones for summer. Put it in a freezer or something in winter and take it out in the summer because, as a matter of fact, global warming is high in the summer than in winter.
Lastly, nuke the sun.
Akenito. Y. Awomi
But, the intent of this article, my friends, is nonetheless noble and lofty, despite arbitrary in approach.
I know everybody out there – doing nothing worthy other than just sitting and playing sudoku– expects only the highest level of journalism, with deep intellectual reflections and unbiased reportage that exposes deepest darkest secrets this world has to hide from you.
However, dear friends, far, far way from such filthy serious issues, there are certain follies like improper usage of vibrating apparatus such as cell phones, vacuum cleaner, power-driven dolls/infant toys etc., which actually needs proper attention, so that it could be discussed and resolved forthwith. Ok. Don’t get me wrong with the above statement.
The about-to discuss article is, in fact, a recycled concept of a capitalist – John Wesley Hanes (undergarment tycoon).
Initially applying his concept might be difficult and could cause nose inflammation, but if you try real hard not to try, you could ultimately break free of those bondages and bandages and be on the road to a more enlightened, carefree, joyous life of not giving a crap.
For instance, there are still many (many) guys, in many parts of this world, who do not know how to score with girls. They don’t even know how to dismantle basic bombs.
Well, I am not attempting to impersonate agony aunt here, but, as a journo, I am trying to lend a hand to those guys who score less than zero, when it comes to girls.
First thing first: Offering to buy a woman a drink (it doesn’t necessarily have to be alcohol content drink), in a posh restaurant, is a good first step towards scoring.
If she says she’s not thirsty or simply doesn’t drink, try offering her your snot smeared handkerchief.
Second hand: Most women want to be persuaded. So, in the process, if they run away, by all means go after them. Regardless of what they might scream at you, discriminate you, humiliate you or throw things at you – to obstruct your chase. Rest assured you are scoring big points by fulfilling her deep-seated subconscious desire (of being persuaded).
Third party insurance: Always have a few conversation starters in mind to keep the dialogue afresh. For example, you can ask whether any of her close relatives are dead, or whether she ever underwent plastic surgery involving silicone. Talk of favourites and act as if you are Vivek Oberoi or Atma Ram, women love them.
Fourth estate: Before you make your move, break into woman’s house and discover all about her. That way, you can make a really great impression when you tell her you’re also into quixotic poetry, soft rock, soft corn, all soft collections, face-pack/anti-aging creams, Twilight series, oatmeal, embroidery, waxing etc.
Fifth element: It never hurts to broaden the truth a little to help your chances at scoring. For example, if she likes cricket, detect who her favorite player is and tell her that you are that guy. Lying has saved faces since 1st B.C.
Sixth sense: Use worthless metaphors and similes like “sitting tight upon a stinking head”, “holding nose from corpses”, “You are the sun in my dark sky”, “You are my East and my West, you are my compass”, “Laughter is a natural drug, I want to fix laughter” in conversation.
Women like to laugh even if it’s irrelevant.
Ok. Enough scoring.
Now let’s look into steaming issue i.e. how to fight and stop global warming.
A look back: Global warming started when people used their hearth too much. This caused substantial amounts of hot air into the atmosphere. Global warming is upon us, and if we wish to bring the warming rate down then we must do our part. Shall we?
Ways to crack global warning.
Throw huge amount of ice cubes and chilled beer into the air in order that there would be maximum surface area exposure between frost and air.
Have your car's air conditioner on full blast all the time, and keep glasses down so that cool air would flee into the atmosphere just like criminal breaking the jail.
Try to breathe as low as possible. This diminishes the amount of warm air sent into the atmosphere.
Having ice cream would contribute to fighting global warming. It makes your breath colder. Try to breathe a lot.
Freeze stuff. Lots of stuff. And keep it outdoor.
Go to Antarctica and bring some fresh air back. All you need for this is trunk and a VIP suitcase.
Stop lighting things on fire, such as cigarettes, candles, wood, coal, people, and cars.
According to a veterinary surgeon, mammals generate body heat. So slaughter all mammals.
Preserve hailstones for summer. Put it in a freezer or something in winter and take it out in the summer because, as a matter of fact, global warming is high in the summer than in winter.
Lastly, nuke the sun.
Akenito. Y. Awomi
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