Steps to being ultimate cool
In today’s world of uncertainty, where chaos, social unrest, panic, utter embarrassment, repugnance and self-loathing is ubiquitous, with random people running helter-skelter brandishing their axes, swords, Rambo knives, Trishul, obelus etc., to slay each others’ pig, cow, buffalo, goat and other domesticated animals, there is one (O-N-E) subtle way to remain tranquil amid all evil.
Yes, prodigy! You got it right.
Being “cool” let you enjoy better physical, mental and oral health. Being “coolest” let people know who you are – your personality, talents, integrity, temperament, lumpiness and yes, apathy.
Though some people genetically have it (coolness), most do not.
Fortunately, now, here is a glimmer of hope for those uncool people.
Learn and practice few simple steps and soon you will be on your way to absolute coolness.
Cool talking: Using rap words would elevate your social status.
This will falsely lead people to conclusion that you are, in fact, cool regardless of how uncool you actually are.
Peppering your speech with various “cool” and “hip” words, such as “50 cent, nifty pants, hippy-man, sixty cent” “ice cube- Gangsta rap”, “fo shizzle ma nizzle”, “rizzle up the bizzles and lizzle sizzle some pizzle”, “big deezey choked that nigga out in 5 seconds flat”, would emit radiation and jealousy among your associates, leading to the increase in their body temperature and instant melting.
To generate more jealousy, you could add nonsensical adjectives to nouns that do not really required.
“The food was sparkling great” or “This rap band is rockabilly rocky!”
Now put the two together, like “That rap food was sparkling great” or “This food is rockabilly rocky spicy nacho supreme!”
Now, to stimulate (mmmmm stimulate) your conversation to a higher level, add in random “Yos” to your speech for no apparent reason: “Yo, this rap food is rockabilly rocky yo, spicy nacho supreme yo!”
Bonus: If you want to attach extra bunch of feather in your cap altogether, military jargons would come handy. Use words like “affirmative and negative” instead of yes and no, and alphabet phonetics like “Tango-Charlie”, “Bravo-X-ray” and “Delta-Foxtrot” in everyday conversation.
Converse in military style like “I’m 10 klicks west of your position, do you copy me?”, “Roger Wilco”, “Hello Charlie-three-three, this is Foxtrot-two-one, over.”
Everyone will think you're a secret agent with an exclusive vocabulary.
Remember these simple rules and you're half way to making people think you’re cool.
Wear baseball caps backwards: Scientific studies have actually proven, scientifically, that wearing a cap backwards increases your “Cool Factor” by a prime factor of 20!
You want a cool factor increase like that, don't you? DON'T YOU?!?
Not only is this the cool thing to do, but it also is quite functional.
Wearing a hat backwards prevents “Reverse Sunburn”, which is the instance when the sun actually burns the back of your head! Sounds scary? It is.
Some people might have problem with it, but don’t you worry brother, wearing cap backwards would at least put Himesh Reshammiya to shame.
So wear the damn cap.
Watch TV on 24/7 basis: Watch TV as much as possible. Take notes on the cool people on TV. Learn from greats like Chris Tucker, Samuel L Jackson, Forest Whitaker, Laurenece Fishburne… their ways, their mannerisms, and learn how they think.
See! You are starting to look like Morgan Freeman (funny old man).
The deadly pose: Every cool person has a pose or motion or look they unleashes that says to the world, “Hey world, look at me, I'm really freaking cool.”
For those of you, who aren't blessed with average looks or a normal physique, a deadly pose should draw people’s attention.
This includes arm and hand motioning, snapping fingers, Harlem shake and other moves that say “Hey, I'm cool, but don't stare at me because I look like a boiled egg”.
But, remember to fake it enough that people will actually enjoy your company and you might enjoy too!
Listen to 80’s song: Regardless to what people say, the 80’s was the decade for music. Any music from the 80's is vicariously deemed cool. If you listened to 80's music, people will know just how cool you are. That’s it!
Be the killer on the dance floor: Over the years, the techniques of the dance have been perfected. There is no need to innovate. In fact, do not even try to make changes. It will only make you look like a donkey and being beaten down by large, lobster like creatures. Dancing cool is yet another step in being cool (if you know what I mean).
Mingle with cool friends: Another method to being cool is to hang with those who are socially accepted as cool.
Having an association with them will make you cool as well.
This is one awful reason why Eminem hung with Jay-Z and 50-Cent hung with snoop doggy dog.
In the process, if cool people don't want to be your friends, then you must use devious methods.
Tell people you have famous friends, but “they are busy with their next album”, “on world tour”, “doing needle drugs” or something.
With a concocted story like that, people would definitely believe you.
Don’t think it will work?
Well, I and LL Cool J aka Ladies Love Cool James, are very tight.
I'd let you meet him, but right now he is on LSD trip.
See? You think I am twice as cool by now!
Form a rap band: Being in a band is the ultimate cool (no seriously).
It doesn't even have to be a good band or non-fictional band, just a band.
I always tell people that I am a guitarist for Motörhead, but taking break owing to my crippling heroine addiction.
Now, young ones, you know what you must do.
If you follow these simple steps, people will want to talk to you and hang-out with you. And if you don't follow, then I hope you enjoy living the rest of your life in solitude.
So, I am telling you: “Go forth and be cool!”
Akenito Y Awomi
Yes, prodigy! You got it right.
Being “cool” let you enjoy better physical, mental and oral health. Being “coolest” let people know who you are – your personality, talents, integrity, temperament, lumpiness and yes, apathy.
Though some people genetically have it (coolness), most do not.
Fortunately, now, here is a glimmer of hope for those uncool people.
Learn and practice few simple steps and soon you will be on your way to absolute coolness.
Cool talking: Using rap words would elevate your social status.
This will falsely lead people to conclusion that you are, in fact, cool regardless of how uncool you actually are.
Peppering your speech with various “cool” and “hip” words, such as “50 cent, nifty pants, hippy-man, sixty cent” “ice cube- Gangsta rap”, “fo shizzle ma nizzle”, “rizzle up the bizzles and lizzle sizzle some pizzle”, “big deezey choked that nigga out in 5 seconds flat”, would emit radiation and jealousy among your associates, leading to the increase in their body temperature and instant melting.
To generate more jealousy, you could add nonsensical adjectives to nouns that do not really required.
“The food was sparkling great” or “This rap band is rockabilly rocky!”
Now put the two together, like “That rap food was sparkling great” or “This food is rockabilly rocky spicy nacho supreme!”
Now, to stimulate (mmmmm stimulate) your conversation to a higher level, add in random “Yos” to your speech for no apparent reason: “Yo, this rap food is rockabilly rocky yo, spicy nacho supreme yo!”
Bonus: If you want to attach extra bunch of feather in your cap altogether, military jargons would come handy. Use words like “affirmative and negative” instead of yes and no, and alphabet phonetics like “Tango-Charlie”, “Bravo-X-ray” and “Delta-Foxtrot” in everyday conversation.
Converse in military style like “I’m 10 klicks west of your position, do you copy me?”, “Roger Wilco”, “Hello Charlie-three-three, this is Foxtrot-two-one, over.”
Everyone will think you're a secret agent with an exclusive vocabulary.
Remember these simple rules and you're half way to making people think you’re cool.
Wear baseball caps backwards: Scientific studies have actually proven, scientifically, that wearing a cap backwards increases your “Cool Factor” by a prime factor of 20!
You want a cool factor increase like that, don't you? DON'T YOU?!?
Not only is this the cool thing to do, but it also is quite functional.
Wearing a hat backwards prevents “Reverse Sunburn”, which is the instance when the sun actually burns the back of your head! Sounds scary? It is.
Some people might have problem with it, but don’t you worry brother, wearing cap backwards would at least put Himesh Reshammiya to shame.
So wear the damn cap.
Watch TV on 24/7 basis: Watch TV as much as possible. Take notes on the cool people on TV. Learn from greats like Chris Tucker, Samuel L Jackson, Forest Whitaker, Laurenece Fishburne… their ways, their mannerisms, and learn how they think.
See! You are starting to look like Morgan Freeman (funny old man).
The deadly pose: Every cool person has a pose or motion or look they unleashes that says to the world, “Hey world, look at me, I'm really freaking cool.”
For those of you, who aren't blessed with average looks or a normal physique, a deadly pose should draw people’s attention.
This includes arm and hand motioning, snapping fingers, Harlem shake and other moves that say “Hey, I'm cool, but don't stare at me because I look like a boiled egg”.
But, remember to fake it enough that people will actually enjoy your company and you might enjoy too!
Listen to 80’s song: Regardless to what people say, the 80’s was the decade for music. Any music from the 80's is vicariously deemed cool. If you listened to 80's music, people will know just how cool you are. That’s it!
Be the killer on the dance floor: Over the years, the techniques of the dance have been perfected. There is no need to innovate. In fact, do not even try to make changes. It will only make you look like a donkey and being beaten down by large, lobster like creatures. Dancing cool is yet another step in being cool (if you know what I mean).
Mingle with cool friends: Another method to being cool is to hang with those who are socially accepted as cool.
Having an association with them will make you cool as well.
This is one awful reason why Eminem hung with Jay-Z and 50-Cent hung with snoop doggy dog.
In the process, if cool people don't want to be your friends, then you must use devious methods.
Tell people you have famous friends, but “they are busy with their next album”, “on world tour”, “doing needle drugs” or something.
With a concocted story like that, people would definitely believe you.
Don’t think it will work?
Well, I and LL Cool J aka Ladies Love Cool James, are very tight.
I'd let you meet him, but right now he is on LSD trip.
See? You think I am twice as cool by now!
Form a rap band: Being in a band is the ultimate cool (no seriously).
It doesn't even have to be a good band or non-fictional band, just a band.
I always tell people that I am a guitarist for Motörhead, but taking break owing to my crippling heroine addiction.
Now, young ones, you know what you must do.
If you follow these simple steps, people will want to talk to you and hang-out with you. And if you don't follow, then I hope you enjoy living the rest of your life in solitude.
So, I am telling you: “Go forth and be cool!”
Akenito Y Awomi
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