Prototype Horoscope
EXPLOITING YOUR LIFE AND MAKING IT LOOK LIKE FACTUAL SINCE 4TH CENTURY B.C
As per the altered data available on wackypedia, February is Stomach Infection Month, Children’s Dental Disorder Month, International Acute Respiratory Syndrome Month, National Hepatitis Endemic Month, National Chronic Pulmonary Disease Month, International Lower Respiratory Infection Month, Foot-and-Mouth Disease Month, and the month dedicated to lovers infested with malignant disease.
The miseries, as you all must be aware, will continue for everyone this month, to the degree that most of your body parts are likely to shiver, shrink, and cramp beyond redemption.
So sorry dudes! No luck this month, except some persistent memory loss, palpitations, drowsiness, wooziness, runny nose and losing sense of humor.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb19): Neptune entered your chart recently increasing your natural humanitarian tendencies but at the same time making you prone to overindulgence.
Tensions may erupt in close relationships because one of you feels that you have been giving hard and not receiving enough in return, or one of you is a donkey.
As soon as Jupiter disappears from the evening sky, Saturn would appear and help you reconstruct your life, your relationships, your home and your past mistakes. But Saturn wants you to pay back in CASH. Which, you don’t have.
Recommended watchword: Who the maaaan! Hu Jintao man!
Bonus: your sign partners -Paris Hilton, Bobby Deol, Oprah Winfrey
Pisces (Feb 20 – March 20): Pisces, what the heck is a Pisces? Pisces has to be the dumbest name on the Zodiac. This month you will probably undergo some kind of metamorphosis, and eventually you will turn into a large spider. All the planets will be totally out of alignment this month, perhaps prompting severe vomiting and fainting. However, a fermented fish will be vital to your emotional well-being this month.
Recommended watchword: POLICE! Run!!
Bonus: your sign partners -Michael Cain, Elizabeth Taylor, Anupam Kher
Aries (March 21 – April 19): This February could prove worse than apocalypse if you do not take care of your random eating habit.
When Mars travels through your sign, you need to keep complete distance from food. However, you can feed yourself with onion and garlic, if so desired.
The ongoing skirmish between Saturn and Uranus would continue to create major hurdle in your work, career, relationships and the like.
Worst! As you are ruled by the fire sign you will attempt to burn down buildings in the neighbourhood and get arrested on arson charge.
The weekend promises a night of romance, most likely, solo.
Recommended watchword: Shakalaka Boom Boom.
Bonus: your sign partners -Diana Ross, Elton John, Lara Dutta
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Hahaha…you haven’t still recovered from last month’s diarrhoea attack, have you?? Don’t expect recovery any time soon, definitely not in February.
As Taureans generally have short stout body and many are overweight with broad brows, large eyes, thick lips and wide mouth, the disease you are more prone to is Foot-and-Mouth disease.
You will further suffer from chronic hemorrhoid (both internal and external). This will discomfort you from sitting, sleeping, walking, laughing, talking, focusing, hearing etc.
You need not worry though, because it's time to say goodbye to years of negativity and failure and go ahead and seize the positive. In case you don't know, that Red Wire is positive.
Recommended watchword: Kaminay kutte! main tera khoon pi jaunga.
Bonus: your sign partners-Jack Nicholson, Queen Elizabeth, Sachin Tendulkar
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Oh dear, you have a very bad month ahead. And there's some unexpected surprises too when Neptune joins forces with Uranus in your 9th Solar House. You may feel inclined to break things and people would interpret your behaviour as mental disorder. Anything could happen. Honestly.
Look deeply into your mind and work out what you really want, and how much you think it would worth of being a transvestite.
Gently massage your wet hair and scalp. Rinse well. New Sunsilk Pro-Conditioner with Nutra-C and Lotus Flower can do wonders.
Recommended watchword: Hickory Dickory Dock
Bonus: your sign partners -Clint Eastwood, Marilyn Monroe, Himesh Reshammiya
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): By the end of the month you will feel restless and do weird stuffs. This will cause a collision with the planets of Saturn and Pluto, and people will laugh and mock you.
The illnesses you must guard against include kidney complaints and bladder disorders.
Love, romance, passion, new opportunities and positive career movements are all on the horizon for the person you hate the most.
Your crippling self-doubt and fear of rejection will finally pass this week and will be replaced by pathological paranoia and selfishness.
Recommended watchword: Amul Macho.
Bonus: your sign partners -Harrison Ford, Meryl Streep, Sourav Ganguly
Leo (July 23 – Aug 23): A persistent health problem, particularly those connected with bones and joints, would turn chronic during the fifth week.
With Venus, the Sun, Pluto and Mercury all in your sign this week, there is no room for you, so you'll have to sleep in the pavements.
As Mercury has eloped with Aquarius, there are no more suggestions for you my friend.
Recommended watchword: Chee! I did it again.
Bonus: your sign partners -Princess Anne, Madonna, Manoj Kumar
Virgo (Aug 24 – Sept 22): Time to retrospect and reassess your savings and investments, businesses, friendships and intimate relationships. But you don’t have any. Do you?
Mercury, Mars and Jupiter let you see your future with clarity, but Saturn is standing right in front of you and obstructing your vision.
Good news: You will make a fantastic headway with your finances this month, as you will make final payment on that crippling loan that has dogged you since you were born.
This is the last week of Uranus going backward in your sign. So from next week Uranus will be going forward and you will be going backward. Damn! I hate this cycle thing. Bad news: Do not, come what may, go to the lavatory between the 17th and 19th or misfortune could occur.
Recommended watchword: Mera geela gella jeans sexy.
Bonus: your sign partners -Sean Connery, Michael Jackson, Shakti Kapoor
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 23): The entrance of Saturn into Uranus later this week would allow kids to surround you and ridicule, because you resembles Gollum from The Lord of the Rings.
Jupiter, your ruling planet, says your Facebook pal will tap you on the left shoulder this month in a public place. But, to your disappointment, he will turn out to be an 80-year-old man, a father of 13 children and grandpa of 2584 grandchildren.
Ohkay! So you've broken your leg and you're caught in your house and bored to death. But that doesn’t give you freedom to spy on your neighbours?
Recommended watchword: Oh no! Oh yes! No! No! No! Objection, your honour.
Bonus: your sign partners -Cliff Richard, Fergie, Om Puri
Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 21): Scorpios are the most selfish and perverted of all the signs. As Jupiter aligns with Saturn, so shall your stomach hang down and align with your thighs every time you sit down.
On 24th you will be kidnapped by aliens only to be returned to earth almost immediately after they find out that there was nothing in your brain except some human excrement.
With the moon in Jupiter there is a very strong indication that you will stay in on Saturday and watch CID reruns on Sony ETV.
Keeping busy is the best way to heal a lonely heart. But it can lead to swelling. Apply tiger balm or vicks vaporub.
Recommended watchword: Up, up and away!
Bonus: your sign partners - Hillary Clinton, Julia Roberts, Bharion Singh Shekhawat
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21): With Saturn going backwards this week you will be prone to illnesses marked by inflammation and pain in the joints, muscles, or fibrous tissue.
Bonus: you will have serious toothache. Avoid toothbrush for a month. Mental instability is unavoidable on the 24th.
Conflicting suggestion: Don't react emotionally when someone offers constructive criticism. React violently.
Recommended watchword: Allah ke naam pe de de baba!
Bonus: your sign partners -Stephen Spielberg, Tina Turner, Rajnikant
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19): Your vitality has been low when the Sun recently formed an adverse angle with Saturn and a similar negative trend with Pluto comes next week?? Didn’t understand? Well, I didn’t either.
On 26th, as Saturn goes for vacation, you will start feeling pretty hot– until you discover that your house is on fire!
Recommended watchword: Eeheeheehee dee heeheeheehee, Bachaoooo..
Bonus: your sign partners -Mel Gibson, Atal Bihari Vajpayee, Bobby Darling
(Disclaimer: Mind-numbing opinions, views and ideas expressed herein are all imaginary. Any resemblance, similarity, allusion, duplication, reference or metaphysical semblance to any person, event or star trek episode or Matrix series or The Lord of The Rings trilogy is 101 % coincidental and unintended except your sign partners).
As per the altered data available on wackypedia, February is Stomach Infection Month, Children’s Dental Disorder Month, International Acute Respiratory Syndrome Month, National Hepatitis Endemic Month, National Chronic Pulmonary Disease Month, International Lower Respiratory Infection Month, Foot-and-Mouth Disease Month, and the month dedicated to lovers infested with malignant disease.
The miseries, as you all must be aware, will continue for everyone this month, to the degree that most of your body parts are likely to shiver, shrink, and cramp beyond redemption.
So sorry dudes! No luck this month, except some persistent memory loss, palpitations, drowsiness, wooziness, runny nose and losing sense of humor.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb19): Neptune entered your chart recently increasing your natural humanitarian tendencies but at the same time making you prone to overindulgence.
Tensions may erupt in close relationships because one of you feels that you have been giving hard and not receiving enough in return, or one of you is a donkey.
As soon as Jupiter disappears from the evening sky, Saturn would appear and help you reconstruct your life, your relationships, your home and your past mistakes. But Saturn wants you to pay back in CASH. Which, you don’t have.
Recommended watchword: Who the maaaan! Hu Jintao man!
Bonus: your sign partners -Paris Hilton, Bobby Deol, Oprah Winfrey
Pisces (Feb 20 – March 20): Pisces, what the heck is a Pisces? Pisces has to be the dumbest name on the Zodiac. This month you will probably undergo some kind of metamorphosis, and eventually you will turn into a large spider. All the planets will be totally out of alignment this month, perhaps prompting severe vomiting and fainting. However, a fermented fish will be vital to your emotional well-being this month.
Recommended watchword: POLICE! Run!!
Bonus: your sign partners -Michael Cain, Elizabeth Taylor, Anupam Kher
Aries (March 21 – April 19): This February could prove worse than apocalypse if you do not take care of your random eating habit.
When Mars travels through your sign, you need to keep complete distance from food. However, you can feed yourself with onion and garlic, if so desired.
The ongoing skirmish between Saturn and Uranus would continue to create major hurdle in your work, career, relationships and the like.
Worst! As you are ruled by the fire sign you will attempt to burn down buildings in the neighbourhood and get arrested on arson charge.
The weekend promises a night of romance, most likely, solo.
Recommended watchword: Shakalaka Boom Boom.
Bonus: your sign partners -Diana Ross, Elton John, Lara Dutta
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Hahaha…you haven’t still recovered from last month’s diarrhoea attack, have you?? Don’t expect recovery any time soon, definitely not in February.
As Taureans generally have short stout body and many are overweight with broad brows, large eyes, thick lips and wide mouth, the disease you are more prone to is Foot-and-Mouth disease.
You will further suffer from chronic hemorrhoid (both internal and external). This will discomfort you from sitting, sleeping, walking, laughing, talking, focusing, hearing etc.
You need not worry though, because it's time to say goodbye to years of negativity and failure and go ahead and seize the positive. In case you don't know, that Red Wire is positive.
Recommended watchword: Kaminay kutte! main tera khoon pi jaunga.
Bonus: your sign partners-Jack Nicholson, Queen Elizabeth, Sachin Tendulkar
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Oh dear, you have a very bad month ahead. And there's some unexpected surprises too when Neptune joins forces with Uranus in your 9th Solar House. You may feel inclined to break things and people would interpret your behaviour as mental disorder. Anything could happen. Honestly.
Look deeply into your mind and work out what you really want, and how much you think it would worth of being a transvestite.
Gently massage your wet hair and scalp. Rinse well. New Sunsilk Pro-Conditioner with Nutra-C and Lotus Flower can do wonders.
Recommended watchword: Hickory Dickory Dock
Bonus: your sign partners -Clint Eastwood, Marilyn Monroe, Himesh Reshammiya
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): By the end of the month you will feel restless and do weird stuffs. This will cause a collision with the planets of Saturn and Pluto, and people will laugh and mock you.
The illnesses you must guard against include kidney complaints and bladder disorders.
Love, romance, passion, new opportunities and positive career movements are all on the horizon for the person you hate the most.
Your crippling self-doubt and fear of rejection will finally pass this week and will be replaced by pathological paranoia and selfishness.
Recommended watchword: Amul Macho.
Bonus: your sign partners -Harrison Ford, Meryl Streep, Sourav Ganguly
Leo (July 23 – Aug 23): A persistent health problem, particularly those connected with bones and joints, would turn chronic during the fifth week.
With Venus, the Sun, Pluto and Mercury all in your sign this week, there is no room for you, so you'll have to sleep in the pavements.
As Mercury has eloped with Aquarius, there are no more suggestions for you my friend.
Recommended watchword: Chee! I did it again.
Bonus: your sign partners -Princess Anne, Madonna, Manoj Kumar
Virgo (Aug 24 – Sept 22): Time to retrospect and reassess your savings and investments, businesses, friendships and intimate relationships. But you don’t have any. Do you?
Mercury, Mars and Jupiter let you see your future with clarity, but Saturn is standing right in front of you and obstructing your vision.
Good news: You will make a fantastic headway with your finances this month, as you will make final payment on that crippling loan that has dogged you since you were born.
This is the last week of Uranus going backward in your sign. So from next week Uranus will be going forward and you will be going backward. Damn! I hate this cycle thing. Bad news: Do not, come what may, go to the lavatory between the 17th and 19th or misfortune could occur.
Recommended watchword: Mera geela gella jeans sexy.
Bonus: your sign partners -Sean Connery, Michael Jackson, Shakti Kapoor
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 23): The entrance of Saturn into Uranus later this week would allow kids to surround you and ridicule, because you resembles Gollum from The Lord of the Rings.
Jupiter, your ruling planet, says your Facebook pal will tap you on the left shoulder this month in a public place. But, to your disappointment, he will turn out to be an 80-year-old man, a father of 13 children and grandpa of 2584 grandchildren.
Ohkay! So you've broken your leg and you're caught in your house and bored to death. But that doesn’t give you freedom to spy on your neighbours?
Recommended watchword: Oh no! Oh yes! No! No! No! Objection, your honour.
Bonus: your sign partners -Cliff Richard, Fergie, Om Puri
Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 21): Scorpios are the most selfish and perverted of all the signs. As Jupiter aligns with Saturn, so shall your stomach hang down and align with your thighs every time you sit down.
On 24th you will be kidnapped by aliens only to be returned to earth almost immediately after they find out that there was nothing in your brain except some human excrement.
With the moon in Jupiter there is a very strong indication that you will stay in on Saturday and watch CID reruns on Sony ETV.
Keeping busy is the best way to heal a lonely heart. But it can lead to swelling. Apply tiger balm or vicks vaporub.
Recommended watchword: Up, up and away!
Bonus: your sign partners - Hillary Clinton, Julia Roberts, Bharion Singh Shekhawat
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21): With Saturn going backwards this week you will be prone to illnesses marked by inflammation and pain in the joints, muscles, or fibrous tissue.
Bonus: you will have serious toothache. Avoid toothbrush for a month. Mental instability is unavoidable on the 24th.
Conflicting suggestion: Don't react emotionally when someone offers constructive criticism. React violently.
Recommended watchword: Allah ke naam pe de de baba!
Bonus: your sign partners -Stephen Spielberg, Tina Turner, Rajnikant
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19): Your vitality has been low when the Sun recently formed an adverse angle with Saturn and a similar negative trend with Pluto comes next week?? Didn’t understand? Well, I didn’t either.
On 26th, as Saturn goes for vacation, you will start feeling pretty hot– until you discover that your house is on fire!
Recommended watchword: Eeheeheehee dee heeheeheehee, Bachaoooo..
Bonus: your sign partners -Mel Gibson, Atal Bihari Vajpayee, Bobby Darling
(Disclaimer: Mind-numbing opinions, views and ideas expressed herein are all imaginary. Any resemblance, similarity, allusion, duplication, reference or metaphysical semblance to any person, event or star trek episode or Matrix series or The Lord of The Rings trilogy is 101 % coincidental and unintended except your sign partners).
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